EDITOR'S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not of Ottawa News Network.

I’m not. 

Today’s headline in the Washington Post said it all: “USPS chief Louis DeJoy resigns as Trump eyes overhauling mail agency.

OK, it’s time to put on our collective propeller hats. 

Jeff Bezos, one of the world’s richest men, purchased The Washington Post after an imaginary call from the latest president turned the paper from deep blue to purple and, lately, leaning red. He put up a paltry couple of million to make sure the inauguration wasn’t lacking for ham sandwiches. 

Now, he’s eyeing the post office. 

He’s got his own delivery crew, non-union gig drivers. Got ticked at UPS and sent his return services to Staples (charges an extra dollar for those who still want to use UPS for their returns).

Trump has already said he wants to turn your local post office into affordable housing. 

Now the stage is set for the takeover of the postal service, which Musk and his DOGE boys, along with his puppet, The Donald, have already announced. 

Now imagine this ...

With your Amazon Prime subscription, you get first-class mail delivered along with your bottled water (which you’d rather have your Amazon driver deliver than hefting it into your car at your local mega market). Now for $14.95 a month, you get those awful Prime low-budget comedies, stuff delivered for free and whatever they call their music service — that nobody uses — in a single subscription (pay less if you prepay for a year). 

Who cares if rural post offices go away. Amazon has a plan. For our rural brethren, where Amazon Prime isn’t available, you get a free postal box on a community pole serviced by your local propane supplier. 

You’d think they’d treat the rural voter better. After all, they are the backbone of Trump’s base. Just ask your local rural librarian who just lost most, if not all, of their government-provided services. Hint: Rural voters, he don’t need your vote no more. He not running again. He don’t need you. One more smiley promise broken to rural voters from our famous apprentice snake oil salesman (just ask your favorite farmer how those pesky tariffs on our once-friendly neighbor to the north helped as they planned for spring planting). 

Back to the soon-to-be former USPS, now about to be called Prime Postal. Your friendly letter carriers can take their union jobs and shove them up the imaginary tailpipe of Amazon Prime electric delivery vehicles. 

However, with jobs lost comes new hope through the public sector employment brought to you by Bezos, who will rid you of your health benefits, your pension and your middle-class salary in favor of $12-an-hour part-time jobs without benefits. You’re healthy, right? So why do you need a doctor when you’ve got Google? Prescription meds are a hassle, OTC pills are just fine. Pension? You should live so long. Social Security now privatized tagged to the stock market that only goes up, right? I bet you a ton of crypto that you’ll be just fine. 

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And you think Amazon taking over the USPS is out of the question? Was the Jan. 6 insurrection an imaginary tale? Did a fiction writer just become vice president? Is a vaccine denier and worm brain survivor now the secretary of Health and Human Services? 

I think I’ll move to Greenland. Nothing bad can happen there, right?

— Dirk Wierenga is a Grand Haven-based documentary filmmaker, photographer, writer and rural wanderer.